It’s like Christmas morning, full of awe and wonder. You open your eyes, anticipation and maybe a small bit of tears well up inside you, ready to rush, leap from your bed, and open those presents that Santa left…they weren’t there the night before but you just know that they will be there today! You smile and your pulse quickens, and bam…you are out of bed in a blink to skip down the hallway with joy.
Sigh…I wish it were like that, but the reality of it when you are in pain most of the time waking up is often a anxious experience. Like Forrest said, “It’s like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.”
I haven’t posted in a week or so, and for that I am sorry, but I am still trusting in all of you to help hold me accountable for my experiment here. It’s been a rough week between the anniversary of my mother’s death, three new work projects, and one of the worst flare ups I have had in a couple of months…it has been a roller coaster to say the very least. However, it has made me eager to drop a few new segments into the old blog…starting with this one: What it’s like…waking up not knowing what kind of day you’re going to have.
I’ve heard that statement before, it was in a movie about co-dependent spouses of alcoholics. The alcoholic has such a grip on the household that the spouse stated they would wait to see what kind of day their spouse was having so they would know what kind of day they would have themselves. I have come to realize, living with pain is somewhat similar in that when you wake up in the morning, you lie there…waiting for your body to make its morning assessment of all its moving parts so you can have any idea what your day ahead it going to be like.
Please don’t misunderstand or think I am in any way making light of alcoholism or what it’s like to live with an alcoholic; I have lived with one, I know what it’s like to live that life and it’s serious. Living with pain is serious too and you, your mind and consciousness, are at the mercy of your muscles, tendons, neurons, nerves, and bones. Some days you can know immediately, “Oh boy, it’s going to be one of those days” because everything hurts the minute you move your pinky toe. OR…”Yeah, it’s going to be a pretty good day” because you are able to roll over in bed, pull the blankets off, and sit up without sound effects. I love those days! Then, of course, there are the various degrees of days in between where you try to tip toe through your day as to not anger anything.
And you can never anticipate how it is going to be from the way you felt the night before; you could have gone to bed feeling pretty decent but in your sleep you twisted yourself up like a cat (how do they sleep in those positions? Color me envious) and wham, the next morning you numb from hip to toe.
That’s what had happened to me this week…Monday – Hurray, Tuesday – um, Ok, Wednesday – Ugh, Thursday – Hurray!, Friday – What the hell happened, we felt so good yesterday, finally, today…Saturday – someone, just put me out of my misery…I can’t do this anymore. Each one of those days, I could never have anticipated by the day before. I am truly thankful I had a couple of Hurray’s and an OK, those are what keep you going.
Still with me? I hope so, because the point behind this post is not to be negative or whine – because let’s face it, people with chronic pain get accused of whining a lot – but rather understanding. People who don’t know don’t understand; I was one of those people. My mother suffered from chronic pain, Fibromyalgia, from her late thirties until she passed in her early fifties. I was one of those people who rolled my eyes, smirked, stopped listening, and believed most of the time she was exaggerating her pain. Maybe she really wasn’t; perhaps it’s Karma that I now experience it myself, but I want to do something about it and I’m trying. Just know, there are people out here that do understand; I am one of them. You are not alone.